Frasier: Niles, I would shave my head for you

Niles: A gesture that grows less significant with each passing year.

Frasier: I do not have a fat face!

Niles: Oh, please. I keep wondering how long you're going to store those nuts for winter.

[Frasier is attempting to throttle Niles during a particularly out-of-control argument]

Niles:My God, I'm having a flashback! You're climbing in my crib and jumping on me!

Frasier: You stole my mommy!

Niles and Frasier: [Singing] ump-ta-da-da-da ump-ta-da-da-da...Oh some boys go to collage, but we think they're all woosies, 'Cause they have all the knowledge and we get all the ump-ta-da-da-da ump-ta-da-da-da

Frasier: Morning all!


Daphne: You seem cheerful this morning, Dr. Crane.

Frasier:Why shouldn't I be?

[Bites into a muffin that was sat on the table]

Martin:Well it's going to rain again, jobless rates are up and about two minutes ago Eddie was licking that muffin.

[after a bitter argument with Niles]

Frasier: Dad, the mark of a pure man is that one realizes he can't control his circumstances, he can only control his responses.

Martin: Have you talked to your brother yet?

Frasier: I do not have a brother! I'm an only child!

Frasier: Oh, so that's what this little tantrum is all about? You're jealous of my celebrity?

Niles: It's not a tantrum, and I'm not jealous. I'm just FED UP! I'm fed up with being second all the time. You know, I wanted to be a psychiatrist like Mom way before you did, but because you were older you got there first. You were first to get married. You were first to give Dad the grandchild he always wanted. By the time I get around to doing anything, it's all chewed meat!

Frasier: You're crying about something that we can't change.

Niles: Oh, you wouldn't change it if you could, you love it!

Frasier: Oh, let it go, Niles!

Niles: I can't let it go! My nose is rubbed in it every day! *I'm* the one on the board of the Psychiatric Association, *my* research is well-respected in academic circles, four of *my* patients have been elected to political office, but it's *your* big fat face they put on the side of buses!

Frasier: [Frasier and Niles are wrestling on the hotel bed] Niles! Stop! We are psychiatrists - not pugilists!

[Niles stops wrestling and stands up]

Frasier: I can't believe you fell for that!

[Frasier tackles Niles, and they resume wrestling]

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